CHAPTER THREE

Searching for clues among her letters

After she died, I found a stack of letters from my mother that I had saved. Of all the scores of times she wrote to me, there are only letters from 1962-1968 when I was away in Utah to attend high school, and then college.

While re-reading these letters, I found for the first time the intense love she had for me. Love I did not see when I read the letters originally. I cried when I read how lonely she was. I am positive that when I first read these letters, the loneliness never sunk in. I had read the words, but not the message. Thirty years later, they have taken on an entirely new meaning.

There are many clues in these letters about my mother's character. There are even a few clues to her background. These clues give substance to the mystery of "Who was my mother?" By discovering who she was, there are also clues to my own identity.

The reader may also see some clue(s) I have missed.

June 23, 1962

My dear hungry horse.

How I miss you!

...I received two cards from you and am glad you had a good trip.

I went to South Dakota [on business] Sunday. I went to Cooperstown on Tuesday night and Moorehead Wednesday. I am going to the Lakes tomorrow.

...Write soon all your news and tell me if you need anything. I wish I were in Zion also.

Lovingly, your mother.

July 2, 1962

W.B. is in a home [for unwed mothers] in Moorhead. She states that you really fell for her. Fell for her - says I to myself, "I doubt that." She is not quite the type you would enjoy, for she is not clean in her person and not very intelligent. She further states that she hopes to snaffle B. (1) Well that is his worry, but I doubt he is very interested in such a low class girl. (2)

...May God always have you in His keeping. I pray so much for you and I love you very much. I am really proud of you and wish that you will have all the best in the world...

(1) W.B. and B. introduced me to sex. I did NOT know what was going on. My mother counseled unwed mothers, and was shocked speechless when this girl told my mother she knew me. My mother silently handed me a book about the facts of life. She tried to talk about it only once, but that was a disgusting discussion in my mind. I grew up angry that she had not been able to tell me this stuff much earlier and in a way I could understand it. Again, the cobblers children have no shoes.

(2) I was always convinced Mom came from an aristocratic background. She often spoke of class differences, and forbade me to play with this one guy (L.G.) whom she considered too far beneath us. She always asked me, "Why do you insist on seeking out the low life?" Some of the time, I "felt" aristocratic, what with the distinguished pictures hanging on the walls, and Mom's erect countenance. She said it was no big deal to have royalty in ones lineage.

July 9/1962

...The only reason you did not get straight A's [in school] was goofing off, and not trying. Probably there was a desire to punish me also present. It often happens that way when a boy is in a female household. he rebels in the way he knows will hurt the female most. Most of this is...subconscious.

...I'm glad that you are happy and glad that you are having country air to breathe and a place to expand your lungs. "Liebenstraum" is how the German's put it, and "living room" it certainly is [out West]. I wish that I too might one day come to Zion and be in a nice place.

I hope you received the $10.

Well son, write to me each week, even if it is only a few lines.

Your loving mother.

July 18,1962

...The apartment is not too bad. I hate it. I feel so confined and I feel as if the walls are coming in to squeeze me.

...This is a dull and somewhat disjointed letter, as it has been written in shifts [at work]. But the love I send you is not dull, and the prayers I say for you are not disjointed. I do, however, realize that you think I preach to you. I hope that I do, and believe me, I intend to go on preaching even when you are a man of fifty. If I don't get time to finish on earth, I will wait for you in the next life and, you guessed it, I will preach some more -

...Thank you for your love. I miss you very much...

July 31/1962

...It seems such a long time since you left Fargo. Can it be only a little over a month? It doesn't seem possible when I think of all the long hours I have spent since you left...

...Rob was full of woes and wanted to come down for next weekend, but I was quite firm in my refusal.

...Take good care of yourself. On Saturday - the day that used to be our day - I remember the little trips down town and how we would look forward to them. I miss those Saturday jaunts with you. They were always so much fun. (1)

The lonely mule in her own mule pen
Will be so glad --------------- when
Pennies she has enough to take her there
Out to Utah, to see her horse, or BEAR.

Ever your loving Mother.

(1) Regardless of how dirt poor we were, she insisted on "making a quilt of memories for our old age," by going out to eat or window shop whenever we could. Even though we didn't always go out on Saturdays, this desire never stopped, even in 1992.

August 28/1962

...At work I have been busier than I have ever been in my whole life.

...I have long been unhappy concerning your unhappiness and inability to communicate with your fellow man. I was sick with fear at times and petitioned God until I am sure that He got tired of me. Now I have to thank Him and Thank Him and THANK HIM. He has been so good to me. I know that He will be just as good to you, and I am sure you will find Him as wonderful as I have found Him. (1)

...I have started to write a story and it is shaping up quite well. Regarding the writer's course I am taking: do you know what, when it comes to facts I score 100, an A. But on the fiction I do not seem able to score anything higher than a weak B or a C plus. (2) But I am learning to write in a more modern American style. (3) It plays hob with one's style though. (4)

...One of these days I'm going off on a safari. You guessed it - I'm going to a ghost town. (5)

...I have a date set with the doctor for September 11. I expect I will have to loose about 50 pounds before I have that operation. I am not able to put it off much longer. (6) Pastor B. has arranged that I pay for it so much per month out of my salary. That will probably take forever, but I have been paying off other folks debts for the past 16 years, I might just as well pay a few of my own. Maybe when you see me next I will be slim and pretty, not fat and horrid. (7)

...God bless and write when you can.

Your own loving mother.

(1) While she hardly ever attended any church after leaving North Dakota, she often talked about her faith in God. "Trust in Him," she would say. When there was a serious difficulty, she would quote Psalm 46, "Be still and know that I am God." Psalms were her favorite scriptures and she found great solace in them. David was her hero. She was utterly dismayed to learn the LDS Church taught that David had lost his place in heaven because he was guilty of murder. She firmly believed repentance and forgiveness were available to everyone. We had been through a great deal together, and this teaching appeared to shake her up more than any other single event. It left her speechless. At the time, I couldn't understand why she was so upset. While I can't believe she would have anything to do with a murder, if someone she deeply loved was involved in a serious crime, her strong reactions to this teaching would make sense.

(2) Very interesting. She told me to never lie because it is so difficult to keep track of what you have said.

(3) As opposed to an English style?

(4) "Hob" is an English word for a hobgoblin or elf; mischief or trouble. Many people told Mom she had an English accent, even after we had lived in the States over 40 years. Would she become so immersed in the language if she were only visiting during her college years and during the war?

(5) One of her fondest wishes was to visit ghost towns.

(6) She never did have her hiatus hernia operated on.

(7) Dads pet name for her was "Fat One." I could never understand - she didn't object to it!

Oct. 8/196[2]

I have been waiting for so long to get a letter from you that I sometimes think that you have died and they are afraid to tell me.

I have covered a great deal of ground since I wrote to you last. I [sent] you a card from Green Lake, Wisconsin. That surely was some conference place. It is like paradise. I attended five days there and stayed two days in Minneapolis. I have been in Dickinson, Grand Forks, Bismarck, Minot and Devil's Lake. I have to go to New Rockford this Thursday and I will be in Dwight next Wednesday. I do not get much time in my apartment. This I appreciate, for I do not care for my own society.

You know who (1) called me this morning. I was able to say "No" for the simple reason I am dead flat broke and unhappy about my income tax. The income tax bureau has decided to investigate me from as far back as 1958. Can you imagine that? They say...they have no record of any filing either for Robert or Marianne. I do not have the records as far back as 1958. One does not expect the government to do things like this...

...I'm not happy here all alone...I do not have much heart left here.

..Pastor B. (2) wants me to go to the U. of Minn., and take a doctors in sociology...I have not a degree in sociology, (3) only in psychology...

...I am longing to see you and here your voice. I will definitely be there to watch you graduate. But I tell you Vincent, I miss you, bad tempered as you were. I know that it has been good for both of us to be apart, for you began to believe you were the most downtrodden kid in the whole world. Ah, adolescence!

I began to believe I was the worst mother in the world. Ah, maternity!

...Call me up some Saturday night, or Sunday night. When you get time. I don't have anything new or strange to tell you, but I will affirm that I love you, that I pray for you, and that I am proud of my son.

Your loving mother.

(1) Dad.

(2) Boss at work.

(3) Oops. I saw the "degree." It listed both disciplines.

Thanksgiving Day, 1962

My Dear Son;

This is the first Thanksgiving Day that I have spent alone. It is different to say the least.

...I am planning to take a week or two vacation just before Christmas. I will not have any money to go far, but it will be nice to do some of the things I want to do. I shall take three weeks off when you graduate. I hope to look for a job out there at that time...it would be nice to be in the same state that you are [in].

...I don't want you to send me anything for Christmas. I have no need of anything and you have need of all the money you can get. I wish I could send more, but I cannot. I have one wish though. Please

write me a letter. That will be the best gift you can send me. I do not care for expensive presents, but I do value a letter, or a home made gift. (1)

...You never say anything about what you need. It is hard, but I suppose I ought to be used to it by now. Why can't you talk to me? For heavens sake don't go 'round naked and then say, "I had nothing to wear." I'll come out and bite you if you do. I do love you, Vincent...

(1) She disliked store-bought greeting cards very much. She felt ready-made gifts and cards only took a second to buy and had no feeling or care behind them. She also hated cut flowers. "Who wants a bunch of dead flowers hanging around," she would complain. "They remind me of death."

December 17/196[2]

I was so glad and thankful to get your letter. It had been so long that I had come to the belief that I would never hear again from you. Mothers are such silly folk.

I am a little puzzled as to your meaning concerning the money. I send you $20 per month...I sent you $40 in November and the same in December. The extra $20 in both months was to be your birthday and Christmas presents. I hope that the [family you stay with] gets your board money each month. Let me know if you are not getting your money and I will figure out something.

...I am scratching hard to save to come see you graduate. I will try to look for a job in Salt Lake City when I am out there.

I have taken two weeks off from work and am not going back until after Christmas. I didn't like to do this, but I realized that I should take time off to do the things I want to do here in the apartment, such as sewing all the buttons on my clothes and things like that. I have finished that dress I started before you left and made another one. I think they both look very nice. (1) I had to buy some snow boots and that made me feel sad. I hate to spend so much money on things like that.

...Speaking of Christmas...I decorated the dining room window with hanging balls and stars and bells made from colored foil. The window looks very pleasant and quite expensive. As I decorated I said, "I'm decorating for little Vinny. He isn't here, but if he were not present in my heart, I would not be decorating at all." So you see my dear, you are with me at that. (2)

...Tomorrow I am going up town and I am going to sit in the bus depot cafe and pretend that you are with me and that we are celebrating Saturday.

...I don't believe in going to other folks [for Christmas]. My home is all I want...This will be the only Christmas we have ever spent away from each other...I miss my boy...

...I need not tell you how much I would like to be with you this Christmas. It would make my world.

...I shall almost die with pride [when I see you].

How do you like the cards I send you?...

(1) She always had some project in her hand or in her purse. Her motto was, "Idle hands are the devil's workshop." Not only did she make almost all of her dresses, she knitted hats and blankets as well as crocheting doilies and collars for her dresses. She had boxes and boxes of patterns and instruction books. She had dressers full of material and yarn.

(2) She decorated less and less after that. Eventually, she hated decorations and refused to have any.

Note: The word "Doily" originated in London.

Jan. 20. 1963

My Dear Vincent;

Thank you for your long awaited letter. I had been worrying quite a lot about you...

I don't plan on bringing the old man out to your graduation. If he comes he will have no assist from me. I don't think it would add anything to the day. Besides, I shall have to borrow money to come out and it is going to be spent on you and me. How is that for selfish thinking?

Speaking of spending. I had better get busy and pay [your debt] to K-Bees. A credit rating goes all over America and you don't want to start life with a strike against your credit. I will manage it somehow.

I think the pictures [you sent] are really good. You look like an actor doing impressions. I like your Rossalind Russell pomador hairdo. It shrieks Hollywood. I am sure you don't have to permanent wave it, because both of your parents have naturally curly hair. (1)

...Stay away from teaching unless you can carry a broken heart and feel that teaching is worth it.

...I miss my big Lug. He used to be such a useful person for going messages.

...I think that [your girlfriend] C. looks very sweet and nice. (2) So now! How does it happen that all your girls come to a violent end. Is the flame too violent? Remember my words, "Violent fires soon burn out."

...When I come out there I am going to look for a job, so I will be staying in Salt Lake for a few days. I don't want to teach.

The Relief Society has been going with a bang...I am second counselor [to the organizations president]. I do all the fun things.

...I love you my son. Don't ever forget that. You are my whole life and the meaning of it. I have had to be hard with you at times, because if I hadn't, you would have sunk to the lowest in society. I had a hard time keeping our heads above water because Rob made it impossible for us to live as it should have been possible, with Mamma home and Daddy working. I used to get sick when you preferred [L.G.] and [S.]'s company to the company of Lucy, Nestigen, McIlroy, and boys of our class. I died several times when you spoke of them as "Big Shots." So forgive my hardness - my strictness. I had no other way. I had to work to keep food on the table and clothes on your back and, of course, my own. I could have done a better job, if I had any cooperation. But it was hard to work all day, work all night, and do garden and cellar work (3) as well. I took on extra work at night to make the pay stretch. I wanted you to have the best you could. But it did mean that I had to work hard. I could not do otherwise. Then too, I found it very hard to live with the enemies in my own house. Your Dad encouraged you to think of me as the hard witch left over from Halloween. You had that sugar disability and it was up to me to curtail your sugar intake. I could not allow you to eat yourself to death. But it was hard to be the one to say, "No." When you were getting older, it was hard to say "No" about cars. But I do not regret it. It was hard to feel fear when you went out. Bitter fear - and to know that ones own son felt the way he did. It isn't your fault either. You saw the wildness in your father and it is natural for a boy to find what his father does and says fascinating. You encouraged yourself to think "All Irishmen are wild." Actually, some Irishmen are the nicest and kindest of gentlemen. Great soldiers and adventurers, but gentlemen, and not hoods. Some are hoods - criminals and selfish bums - but so is the same of every race.

I am so glad you are having this year away from me. It is good for you to see that everyone has things to dislike, things to like, and things to just do. Wildness can be a curse to a man. It brings nothing but sorrow and Dead Sea fruit. A moments glory, [or] a moments showoff, and a lifetime of regret. Sometimes you have thought me such a slowpoke. I have had to be. I have not been able to have fun, because I lived with fear. It's a terrible thing to live with fear, Vince. Mor[t]al fear. Fear that every time the phone rang it could mean trouble. I am a law upholding person - I sometimes wonder though how it is possible for someone like me to live through what I have and still be able to work and act as if nothing had happened. God has given me the strength and only God has helped me. Vincent my son - my own dear son - play golf, run a motor boat, swim, do all of these things. They help to get the energy out of ones system. Never put any woman through what I have suffered. You have seen the results of wildness in our home - hate it Vince for what it has deprived us of. Fight it, so that it never deprives your sons and daughters.

Well, I guess I really did get wound up. I am really apologising for being such a hard mother...You were hard to manage and the schools were constantly nagging me about you being so wild. When you went out, you acted so outlandish, and I was afraid. I was afraid when you went to the juvenile commissioner in Jamestown, Mr. Burchill. [I was] afraid of [Judge] Lieb here. I didn't want [reform school at] Mandan. I have made mistakes, Vincent, and I beg you to forgive me. I did not know what else to do. I thought if I kept you away from hoods, that it would be all right. I only wanted the best for you...I would give you my life if it had been what you wanted. (4) The last year you were at home you were hating me more than you were loving me, and I was confused as to why. I still don't know. But I am asking you to forgive me and if there is any way that I can make you see that I love you, and always have and always will.

I think of you so much and would hand the world [to you] on a platter if this were possible...

I will try to send you some extra money. It isn't easy to do this, but I will see if I can...

I hope that you are still friends with C. She sounds like a nice girl...

Now old dear - write to me again. Soon...

(1) Dad's hair was as wavy as mine, but I remember Mom always wanting to go to the beauty shop. Her hair was quite straight in later years.

(2) C. was her favorite. After my first marriage ended, I looked her up and we were married for a brief time. Mom was very happy about that, and they corresponded even after our divorce. C. was extremely hurt by the divorce and dropped all contact when I married a third time (also very short). It was extremely difficult on me to not be able to find her when Mom was dying. I also believe she could have helped me handle the probate better than I did since she knew Mom so well.

(3) We had a coal fired furnace that needed to be fed and cleaned. I resented the dirty work. Today, I am very sorry I ever complained or failed to do my share.

(4) She often repeated this sentiment.

May 8th 1963

My Only Son; (1)

...I will not be coming [to visit you in Utah] until the second week in June. I have to do a speaking tour - extra cash that way.

I plan to be able to help you to the tune of one hundred dollars(2) per month...

Love - Love - Love

Mother

(1) Very significant choice of words.

(2) While her take home pay is less than $400? She was always extremely generous. Almost all of these letters ask what my needs are and ask if I need money. As an adult, whenever I visited, it seemed she could not let me out of the house without giving me something; anything. There were times when I visited unannounced, and as I left she would hunt around for something to give me. In the 80's she contributed backing to a liquidation store I owned. Not only did she give me items to sell, but in less than five years she contributed over $16,000. She gave me her "funeral money," several times. She loved the store, and went on buying trips with me. We were very happy together during these times.

July 1, 1963

...I enjoyed being with you so much and I am so sorry I got sick.(1) I really felt that I was about to die.

...I want to tell you how glad you made me. I was so proud to see that you kept your bed made. I said to myself, "Nagging pays."

You and I got to know each other a lot better too, I felt. I do love you so much. I really liked [your girlfriend] C. too.

I am going down to LaCrosse to interview for that job. (2) It now depends on whether I can get a house and if I can hold the old man (3) off...Keep your fingers crossed. I will have $400 take home pay each month, maybe $425. The gross pay is $550 per month...

...I am so anxious to have you write to me...I am an old hen as far as you are concerned.

I did so love the country 'round there. It was like being in another world. Maybe it will happen that I will be able to live on a nice little piece of land one of these days.

...With all my love, and again, thank you for the love while I was with you. It is a warm shawl that you gave me as you sat on my bed and told me you loved me and that you did not hold my strictness against me.

Again, love and "God bless."

Your loving mother.

P.S. I received my patriarchal blessing. I am an Ephramite. (4)

(1) She came out to visit me in Utah after I graduated from high school.

(2) We were in Jamestown, North Dakota about 1950. She worked there as a newspaper reporter. We moved to Fargo, North Dakota in about 1958 where she worked as a counselor for Luthern Welfare, dealing with unwed mothers. She also taught English at North Dakota State University in Fargo. Many of her students were immigrants, and I am sure her grasp of foreign languages was of great benefit to her. Earlier, she taught grade school in Bangor, WI. This letter was written just a month before being hired as a social worker for the Family Service Association in LaCrosse, Wisconsin. These are all professional jobs, and require an excellent education. It was not fashionable to hire women for important positions during her work life, yet she succeeded most admirably. If her diploma from Cambridge is a fake, no one ever caught on because of her immense and accurate knowledge. She not only met, but was friends with governors and senators. I ate breakfast with her and Lillian Carter - President Jimmy Carter's mother - in the governor's mansion in Madison, WI.

(3) Dad.

(4) The LDS Church designates certain choice men to fast and pray on behalf of individual members in order to receive revelation to help that person through life. Ancestral lineage through the tribes of Jacob are also declared during the blessing.

Sept. 24/63

...So you find living in a [hotel] room lonely. Yes! But this is what you always wanted to do. You could not wait to get on the bus to get away from me. Before that, as long as I can remember, you wanted to be "on your own." It's not all it's supposed to be, this being able to "please one's self."

Sept. 29th 1965

...The senior citizens affair is being squeezed out. I think I shall have to get my fighting boots on soon, because the Dane (1) is slowly but surely rising.

...What kind of living quarters do you have [at college]? I do hope that you will be well and happy. I am praying that I see you graduated with your BA before I have to go. (2)

...Well Vinny, I miss you. It seems at least a year since you left. (3) This is the first time I have been alone in a house for so long. Its odd...

(1) She would sometimes refer to her Danish heritage. I assumed she was talking about her mother's side of the family. On one sheet of paper I have written down that her mother's name was "Anna E. Ast--- von Kiergraff," but I don't remember where I found that reference. In another place, I wrote her mother's name as "Elizabeth Woodyatt." She had a step-mother, so both names could be right. Both Fischer and "von" are German. I can find no reference to the name Kiergraff in genealogy books.

(2) Although she lived almost 30 more years, she often spoke of various illnesses and dying. Even if she was born in 1899, she would only be 66 at this point. Was it her health or her state of mind that was ill?

(3) Actually, a few days.

October 7th 1965

...You will have the shock of your life when I tell you [a man from the community theater]...came out to see me last Sunday. He said, "Marianne, I don't know how to say this, but I mean it sincerely and honestly."

I thought he was going to say something about the play, or the theater, and was not really paying much attention to him, so you can imagine the shock when he said, "Will you honor me by becoming my wife?"

It's been a long time since I was so disconcerted. (1) It never occurred to me that he would even dream of thinking I might be interested in him. I thanked him sincerely and kindly, but as I told him, "I would not make a good wife, since I am not a good housekeeper, (2) I am interested in too many outside activities, and physically I am cold natured."

...I got such a shock that I called my boy attorney and asked him if he felt like losing at bowling. We didn't bowl, but we went to a show and ate at [a local restaurant].

...Maybe you will be an actor - maybe you will teach drama in school or in college. Who knows? Do that which you want to do and to heck with what other folk think. I still regret that I did not stand up for myself and be a hen med - lady doctor to you. I know I would have made a good one, and I know that I could have overcome my nausea and malaise concerning cadavers, blood, and guts. (3)

I had to during the war anyway. My brother wanted to be a professional singer. He would have been tops, because he had a voice like an angel. He made only a mediocre engineer.

So follow your dream and make it...

I have not watched TV. (4) I have lain on the bed downstairs and slept. I lug [the dog] down with me. I haven't done any sewing. I have been too tired from one thing and another. I also have not been too well.

...I send my love to you to keep you safe and warm. Have a good life Vinny boy...

(1) Not her first offer, and not her last. Men were interested in her! If she was born in 1899, she would be 66 years old. It does not seem logical to me she would have as many suitors as she did at this age, so that can't be her birth date.

(2) While I was growing up, I figured she didn't do housework because she had been raised in a house full of maids and didn't know how.

(3) She would not - could not - watch war movies with me. She was startled at the slightest sound. She hated to cook chicken - cleaning them made her sick.

(4) She never forgave herself for buying one of the first console television sets. She said I became addicted to it. When she was alone, however, it became a source of comfort to her to watch "My Matt" [Dillon] on Gunsmoke, and "My Walter" [Cronkite] on the news.)

October 19, 1965

...[obscure reference about] fighting City Hall. The Dane is up so there will probably be something doing.

...I'm thankful and happy that you are liking school. "Blood tells," and you have good blood...

October 22, 1965

...I intend to fight City Hall, (1) but I have to marshal my tactics. I can tell you that several times these past few weeks I've had to bite my tongue until the blood came. I have never wished so much in my life that I was a man. I'd have knocked him down and pushed some of his orneriness down his throat.

He is now giving me lessons in social work and I have to prepare little sheets every day showing how I proceed in my work...I think the real reason is that I have been asked to speak at several places that he was not asked to, and the end result is ornery behavior on his part. That, and the fact he got chewed out by the top brass at Community Chest...I think his wife has been giving him a hard time, for even [our secretary] is complaining and thinking of giving up.

...I have also been doing quite a bit of piano playing. I have to work at it you know. I can now play several pieces, including the William Tell Overture...

(1) Her boss, Mr. K.

Nov. 4/1965

I've been looking for the mailman each day and hoping to hear from you.

...I went to Madison to the conference on the aging and enjoyed it very much. I thought it was quite the best conference I had been to in years.

At the Agency things are rough. It would not surprise me to be fired.

...Mr. K. does this to all the workers...

...I was publicly complimented at Madison for what am I doing for the aging, but that doesn't put money in my pocket. Tho it does help the pride.

...With lots of love, and asking for a journal from you...

December 7, 1965

I love you. I am not even going to say anything else at this time. I love you.

...You see Vinny, I know you quite well - you really are all right.

Some times you get a little excited - that's the Irish (1) in you. Some times like your dad you try to swallow the whole world at one gulp - but then there is the other side of you that stands firmly on steady feet, and this part of you takes hold and carries the flag...

...My last words; I love you. I understand. I'm on your side. I know you will make it. Don't worry - it's all right...

(1) She would often ask me why the Irish was my only side; didn't I realize I had Danish blood as well? I assumed all the stalwart looking pictures of aristocratic people we carried around with us from house to house included more von Kiergraffs than Fishers. I always assumed von Kiergraff was Danish.

Dec. 9/1965

...Sometimes when I would come in from work I felt like a cow that had been chased all day and at last had arrived at the slaughterhouse door, but before I could be finally killed I had to work a few hours on the treadmill.

...Vinny I love you. I am so proud of you, and always have been. Sometimes I think that my pride in you is what has made things so difficult for you at times.

I love you, understand and sympathize with your yearnings and ambitions and counsel you to try not to swallow the sea in a gulp. Little by little. Line by line a part (1) is learned. Walk a mile for the general. (2)

God love you and remember, the little grey mule (3) is here doing arabesques (4) as hard as she can in celebration of the fact that you have been chosen lead in "All My Sons." She goes in the closet to Hee Haw though, because she is a little bit jealous - do you know what about? because everybody else will see you and she won't...

(1) In a play.

(2) We had a little wooden statue Mom and Dad called "The General. It also doubled as "General Principle" if no other reason could be thought of for doing something.

(3) The running family reference called Mom a mule, and as we drove past deserted farm houses, the joke ran that she could be "turned out to live here." Or, like a mule, if she was let out, she would put her head down and quietly but surely plod her way home.

(4) Ballet leaps.

Jan 23/1966

...After talking with you I felt badly that I could do so little to help. (1) Then I realized you didn't want help - you just wanted love. You know I love you, and I know you love me. Nothing else matters.

I get frantic with fear - fear that I may not be able to provide for my family. You get frantic with fear that you won't be first. We both are silly, aren't we. We both need to slow down.

...Your being so desperately busy has shown me the bad example I have given you. I have always been too busy. Now you are too busy. Let's both slow down a little and take time to do some of the things we have fun doing - not doing things for prestige.

...We are solid family. We can weather storms together...

Your loving mother

(1) I had just been "fired" from the play "All My Sons" because I didn't make the time to learn my part. I was devastated. I couldn't even stand up as I sobbed to her on the phone. Like mother, like son; I was surviving on three or four hours of sleep each night as I burned up the road during my first two years in college. Where I had practically flunked out of high school in North Dakota, I was now involved in several service fraternities, acting, forensics, and dating. My successes at Snow Junior College in Ephraim, Utah were tempered only by my lack of time. As president of one service fraternity, I created my own little fiefdom. I didn't realize how heavy handed I was until it came time to leave for a four year school and I looked back on what had transpired.

February 8th 1966

...I think you will be interested to know that even though Mr. K. [sic] (1) has done a great deal to prevent me from getting the [new] job, it's still not lost.

...Mr. K. enlisted a person from the college to contest me. This man has a doctor's degree and is the head of a department. As such he would have a number of students to draw on to assist with the programs.

...Now, Mr. K. brought to the attention of the Department on Aging that my education was done out of the States. This looked as if I would be passed over, for at the present time everybody is crying, "America..."

Now to my assistance came the chairman of the United Fund - so that little sally was squashed.

Now here is where I want you to pay attention and glorify God. Mr. Gansen, divorce commissioner; Judge Toepel, First District judge; Judge Neprud, circuit judge; state senator [Raymond] Bice; Mrs. May Bellerue, head of the state Relief department; Marguerite Lienlokken [powerful newspaper columnist]; Kenneth Niebaldski, alderman; Milo Knutson, former mayor; Warren Loveland, present mayor; George Pappas on behalf of the Bar Association of LaCrosse; George Metcalf, president of the [LaCrosse Association for Retarded Citizens]; and many more have all sent recommendations for me. It's been terrific, and even if I don't get the job, I shall have memories that will be a fine warm shall to shelter me from the cold.

Monsignor Dahl has labored unceasingly [in my behalf] and as is still at it. He even went twice to [the state capital in] Madison.

If I had had any idea of the magnitude of the red tape I would not have had the courage to even look at the job, much less apply for it.

I have literally walked my mile by inches.

...Now a MOTHER question. Have you slowed down any?...

(1) She was working as a counselor at Family Service Association. Her boss - Mr. K. - was very jealous of her performance. He forbade her to work on projects for the aging, so she did them on her own. The new position was to be the coordinator of the LaCrosse Committee on Aging - a pilot program. Such a critical position would surely not be given to a woman - in 1966 - without very strong credentials. Nor would it be given to a woman who was 67 years of age!

Feb 16 1966

...Vinny doll - don't ever forget I love you. Don't worry so about being perfect. Nobody - nobody wants to be around perfect folk. So you worry about being first - generally one ends up being last.

Aim for the middle bracket. Dear son - God's arm is not shortened. Let Him do a little for you.

...I love you very much and you are ever in my thoughts. If only you could realise this and be [like an] old shoe. (1)

The secretiveness of the Irish is hard on Herringchokers, (2) because the Irish are secretive all the time - just about what they decide to be secretive about.

There is no need not to tell me - and I am not prying. A trouble shared is a trouble halved.

I know you haven't asked for money and I said I wouldn't send any until you did, but Vinny, here is ten [dollars] anyway...

...Remember I love you - call me on the phone some evening please.

(1) She was constantly begging me to be able to relax with her and be friendly, like a pair of old shoes.

(2) As in Scandinavians, specifically Danes. Again, references to the two parts of my heritage.

March 14, 1966

...I have so much to tell you, I don't know where to begin. The job is mine and I start next Tuesday, the 15th of March...Mr. K. did his best to get me ousted, but God was with me...

The job is a pilot project and the first in Wisconsin. The last few months have been exceedingly bad. You see, Mr. K. applied for a similar position with Mental Health and he was refused. So you can see his anxiety that I should not get ahead of him. Which of course is very juvenile really as I was not competing with him at all.

Poor man - he has the desire to swallow the world in one gulp. This cannot be done. One must take it ounce by ounce. I tell you Vince, it is hard to be able to function when one realizes things are going so hard. No money, debts, no job, and Mr. K. doing his level best to see that I should not be hired. However, take note, I decided that I might not get that job, but I would get some job. Even if it meant working as a waitress or nurses aid. (1)

...God is good. He inspired me to see the right people, say the right thing, and to keep calm...

...I am looking forward to seeing you so much. You know I love you very much.

I will get a salary of $600 a month. This is gross pay; it will boil down to about $450 a month take home pay...

...I have the main auditorium booked for the Senior Citizens Fair and I have moved it up to June 18-19 in order that you may participate. (2)

For now, good bye and God bless. I am proud of you. God bless my dear son...

(1) Recurring medical theme.

(2) She was always asking me to get involved.

March 27, 1966

...Everyone has been so kind, but the [new] job is terrific. I am tempted to run away at times when I think of all that has to be done, but then I remember that I have a good partner and just like always, He will carry me through. You know Vinny, without God, I am nothing. I am neither courageous nor clever. I am just His servant. Sometimes I get weak and tremble, but I do have this knowledge - it might not be my way, but a way will be made for me.

...The farm is mired in with all the tumultuous rain we have had. They have never had anything like it.

...Have I told you that the Senior Citizens Fair will be in the main auditorium and I am wondering if you will be radio announcer for me. Radio announcer and camera man.

...I'd like to have you and I go laking at Henry's cottage [this summer]. But this time I would like to spend more than just a couple of nights...Most of all I would like to have a little vacation. A vacation which would include not having to worry about time. And one in which I could browse in stores, and libraries, and probably spend a few dollars.

...Don't worry over the past. Make the future count and don't repeat something you are ashamed of. This is what the devil tempts us to do - to repeat a bad pattern and in that way we come to think, "It's not such a bad thing after all." Men who kill for pay are good examples of this. They were once innocent little boys who later became disobedient. We all have to strive for obedience. Once we have that lesson learned, we learn we are the [children] of God - and nothing is able to touch us.

...Try this summer to be an old shoe.

You have wasted so many years being friendless. I always hoped my son would bring home crowds of kids to the house, to make up for those I didn't have. (1)

Say, what's this bit [in your last letter] about my bringing you up in such sad circumstances. Get off the water wagon my boy and fight your old lady - you never went hungry, by gosh. You ate chicken and steak and all the cookies and cake you wanted. You had good clothes, a warm, clean bed - as many toys as you could stuff in your closet. We were respected members of the community and I swear I was never arrested (2) for any crime - so how come I dragged you up in underprivileged circumstances??? You were one of the first kids to have a TV set, which incidentally is the biggest mistake of my life. This I regret and will ever regret, for that TV set didn't do a thing for you.

Now that we have that out of the way, what else is news?

I have written and sent to Alfred Hitchcock [Magazine] a story. If it returns, I will send it out to you to read. Gee, it even frightened myself! It wasn't my Aunt Minnie who came up into my bedroom, remember? (3)

...Cultivate the friendly, breathless, "Hi!" and the friendly smile. Speak and be spoken to. Like people and show them you like people. Don't look down on people. Even if they are the most stupid and asinine - donkeys have beautiful brown eyes. Look for the good in people and remember, no matter who or what the person is, he has something you can find to admire - even if it's only his colossal conceit.

If you are going to be a lawyer, politician, radio announcer, teacher, social worker, a store clerk, or even a day laborer, you are going to have to meet people and not let them drive you crazy. The way to sustain your sanity is to realize that they are [people] just like you - they have their ups and their downs. But they are your brothers...

...Don't put me on a pedestal, Vinny. Mothers are best left on the ground floor. Mothers are very ordinary people who love their children and take into account all the many factors of life. I love you Vinny, and it would never occur to me not to do so. Are you not my son? Besides that, when you are not in a temper about something, you are very good company.

...I am longing to have you home again - but please don't quarrel with me. I am not and have not criticized you from a bad motive. I do feel you are too touchy - to unbending - and you don't josh easily. Last year was a nightmare for me. I became so afraid to even open my mouth because you jumped down my throat every time I spoke. And I'll never forget a couple of wild rides you gave me in the car because you were mad at me about the theater, or something I had or had not done.(4) And when you yelled at me at Mt. LaCrosse, "Quit making sounds like a mother," when all I asked you was to come and eat... Let me admit that I am old fashioned and I know that I have annoyed you. I do try not to do so. For the life of me I cannot understand why you and I cannot be old shoes together. All my young men clients get that way without much effort on my part. But my son remains like a mastiff - he walks around stiff legged like Bongo going to eat the Congo. Let's both try to be old shoes.

You said it made you mad when I got afraid of you. Well Vinny, how do you think I felt when you yelled at me and flung things, bounced the table, and so forth. I was afraid. All that I have ever asked is that you be a friendly companion and a decent boy. I know I'm fussy and I know I am old countryside - but dear boy, that's me.

...I am longing for the day when I become a grandmother and can talk about my sons children...

...God bless and give you the desires of your heart.

Your loving mother.

(1) We planned an elaborate party for my sixteenth birthday. I invited everybody in each of my classes. Not one person showed up. I think Mom liked to entertain, but couldn't bring people home because she never knew when Dad was going to show up and embarrass us. She did bring someone to her house in LaCrosse, though. Even though she hated to clean them, she cooked chicken for dinner because that was her guests favorite. Then too, the house became progressively more and more of a mess as she got older and was less able to clean. When I was in the same house, I was supposed to help, but it made her extremely nervous if there was a major cleaning effort afoot. She was always afraid important papers would be mislaid or thrown out by mistake. So things piled up.

(2) Never arrested!!!!

(3) I don't remember this particular story, but she loved to read and write mystery stories. She joked with me about how since we were both quite clever, if we put out minds to it we could commit the perfect crime together. Her favorite TV show was "Alfred Hitchcock Presents." She liked Alfred Hitchcock so much, in fact, she took me to see his thriller, "Psycho," even though I wasn't a teenager yet. We very seldom went to the movies, probably because we didn't have the money, so this was to be a real treat. As the movie went along, I knew there was something horrible down in that basement, so I hid behind the seat and covered my eyes. I uncovered them just in time to see Anthony Perkins turn the chair around and show us his mother's corpse. Mom knew monster movies gave me nightmares, and forbade me to go. Naturally, I made it a point to watch as many as I could. I have to guess she didn't realize how scary "Psycho" was going to be. Another movie I watched caught us both by surprise. Something about seven Sullivan brothers being killed during the war. There were no horrible visions in this movie, but the theme of the grieving family kept me awake for several nights. When I was in parochial grade school, a local prelate died and the entire student body went to his funeral. We took turns passing by the coffin. Mom never forgave the administration for forcing us to look at that dead body.

(4) Mom and I used to panic when Dad was drunk and mad. He would speed around curves and weave all over the road. That summer, I copied him - but I hadn't been drinking! She convinced me she was more afraid of being scarred than she was of dying. At this point in her life, she claimed she had no fear of death. Mom said she had a drivers license in the past, but I don't recall ever seeing her drive. In later years she talked about getting a license again, and a small car, but she never did. To her, a car was four wheels to take her places. If a car wasn't available, she rode in whatever was offered, including a garbage truck. If no vehicle was offered, she walked. In Jamestown she walked everywhere. I learned to walk as well, and have worn out many pairs of shoes. One day at the farm, we walked for miles up in the hills together. Today, I love hiking in the mountains, as does my daughter.

April 19/1966

Hi Vinnie,

Hello Vinnie,

Liebling, (1)

Dear Son;

Take your choice, the above all mean "I love you," and whether you win or loose [your school election], I love you. My own dear intense one.

I am writing this briefly to let you know that I am thinking of you and loving you. Try not to mind too much if you loose the first time. Most politicians do loose the first time. There is always another day and another place. It's not the falling down that matters, its not the getting up either; it's the getting up and starting off again to conquer that which felled you.

...Win loose or draw, you are tops in my heart...

(1) German.

May 20th 1966

...I look forward in life to being on my own and free to die in peace. Free to do all the little poking in the garden, and little safaris into town, without having to rush back. And free to read until three in the morning if I want to. Free to play music (1) and to sing hymns without driving someone else to drink. I look forward to having grandchildren visit me, and seeing my son and daughter-in-law happy, but I also look forward to being a person on my own account.

...If, at the end of next year, you have decided to marry, it is all right for you to think in terms of occupying the upstairs apartment. You could have it rent free. I plan on taking out an insurance policy (2) that will pay up the house if anything happens to me. I am sure that if you find a good girl and marry her, your happiness will be secure. Personally, I think you should stay in Utah and in a small place, among your wife's relatives and friends. Later, I might retire to where you are. (3)

...I really love you Vince. Even if I do sound a little critical at times. Actually it always troubles me that you have so much of Rob in you. I think that is what bothers me so much. The same airy-fairy way of looking at things. Me, I've always had to be careful and be the plugging work horse...

(1) In addition to always having a piano around, she also had a splendid accordion.

(2) She could never keep the payments current. I saw stocks in such things as Canadian oil among her papers, so I know we had money at one stage of our lives.

(3) Ruth Adams consoled me after Mom's death by saying, "Look where she ran to," when she retired. She came to where I was.

July 20th 1966

I am writing this letter to you in the hope that you will understand I love you - that I value you, and that you mean the whole world to me.

...All I have ever wanted in life has been a home and children; a garden, a pet and church work. This was my first [wish]. I have never attained it. I know now that I never will.

I have been obedient [to God] in all things but this, and because I have struggled with every fibre of my being to attain this first, it has been denied me. I realized last night when I was talking to you, that I have placed my family before my God, and hence my many tribulations.

I realized also that your trouble lies in your struggle against the domination of women. I see your point, for a woman has earned your living and directed your way of life. But is that all bad?

Can you not take pride in [the fact] that God gave me this strength? Can you not be glad that I rose to the occasion and sublimated my own wishes and desires?

I want you to remember that I would have loved to have a home where the man earned the living and I was the one who planned the meals and kept the home fires burning.

I want you to understand that all life changes when there is a child to be responsible for. I have over protected you in many ways.

This I am aware of. But should I have allowed you to run headlong into difficulties when I could prevent this?

All that I am trying to get across is this - you will not solve your problems by exchanging. Your problem is that you alienate yourself from anything you do not like.

Surprise yourself sometime [when you get married] by: getting supper on a planned basis; by saying, "this week I will do the grocery shopping, or I will do the dishes or cut the lawn and police the yard and do garbage detail." Also try to make yourself aware of food prices - the cost of lights - ask to see bills and discuss payments. I want you to be an aware husband. I do not want you to be a "shift the responsibility" husband.

It is so easy to say, "I will be the head." I know one other who had this superiority complex. But head of what? And how good a head? I want you to be a good head, and this means being aware of the costs.

...With all the money in the world one can be unhappy if one hasn't learned this: there is only one of you - you are the first and only you in the whole world. No one else is before you; no one can take your place. So do not spoil it by competing to be someone else. I am me. You are you. You can never equal me, and I can never equal you.

...I am proud of you as my son - I love you as my son. I respect you as a person. Your way in life will be your way and this I expect and respect. I want you to be yourself, not a carbon copy of anyone else.

...I would like you to remember that up to the present time, you have not done much about responsibility. This means much in marriage.

Like being responsible for listening to your wife tell about the trivialities, as well as being responsible for helping her when she is tired, sick, or discouraged. I think being responsible for garbage detail is a good beginning. It has always been the dragon you never wanted to slay.

God love you. I do...

January 26th 1967

I'm so grateful [for your letter]. You will never know how grateful.

...I didn't try out [for the play] All The Way Home. Too busy. I am hoping to have a 15 minute program each week on WKTY [radio]. I may have a weekly column in the Tribune. I am working on cooperative housing and other projects. The [Pleasant Sunday Afternoons] are doing well, and all this takes time.

...Dr. Sivertson complimented me on the way I am conducting the Committee on Aging affairs, and that made me happy. After all his yack, Mr. K. must feel silly...Dr. Sivertson resigned from the Family Service [Association] board to become chairman of the LaCrosse Committee on Aging, and is glad he did.

...Who is the girl you are infatuated with? I remember when I was about 17 - I used to get awful infatuations on the most ridiculous people and I'd suffer dreadfully. Pa used to raise his eyebrows and try to remember who I was infatuated with that month.

At 20 I was saving the world. I could have run the whole world single handed and told the Lord how to run heaven.

Then I LOVED ONLY ONE - You have a long way to go to catch up with my sufferings - Laugh darn you. It wasn't funny at the time. But it was really. I saw flaws in my gods and it pained me - any person I loved should be perfect. But they weren't. How could they be?

So I would suffer. Then I would LOVE AGAIN. Vinny this is fun - don't you dare get snotty about it. (1)

...I really love you. Despite all the suspicions you have concerning me...I love you. You are my son. I'm proud of you...

(1) No, these memories are not fun. Whatever lies she told to get me to the United States - to make us a family, they were surrounded by pain. No wonder she didn't want to retell them - relive them. This is an extremely rare case of her opening up to me. Extremely rare.

Feb. 21 '67

How happy I was to hear your voice and to know you are well.

I've been on the road all this week - setting up workshops. Some cold weather! I'ts supposed to be an honor - as far as I'm concerned it's too cold to travel.

I look forward to seeing you for I get so very lonely.

The enclosed [program] is one of many from where I speak.

Lots of love. I'm so proud you are doing so well...

March 31 1967

...I will be so glad to see you. I do miss you and often go into your bedroom to water the cactus - just to say "Hi, Vinny!"...

I've had quite a bad spell. I was feeling well and had been sure I was going to be as good as new. Unfortunately, the last few weeks haven't been so good. (1) I started that bleeding again. (2) I went to Dr. Flynn and I believe that I am much better. But I am weak. I don't know sometimes how to finish the day...

(1) She had many days of sickness. I knew she had something wrong inside - a hiatal hernia - and wondered why she never had it repaired. When I was younger, I convinced myself she had shrapnel wounds from the war. She did not like hospitals, but would see a doctor on the side. She never ate properly. One reason was lack of money, and the other reason was because the hernia made her sick. I always thought a lot of her problems were due to malnourishment. On reflection, I have to wonder if a lot of her ailments didn't stem simply from old age?

(2) Bleeding? I have no recollection of this.

May 10, 1967

I am breaking the sound barrier! It has been so hard for me to even think of writing to you. Not because I don't love you, but because the sledding has been so tough and I hate to write when I am so morose.

Life has been difficult on all counts this past winter. In fact, it has been a nightmare from which I have not been able to awaken.

I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to seeing you again. It seems a long way ahead. I shall take my vacation when you come home and we can be together.

...You ask me what I do with my money. Rent is $100. Beneficial Loan is $35. Refrigerator $26. Piano $44. Levits Finance Co. $50. First Credit Finance Co. $125. Credit Union $50. Lights $14. Phone on average $10. Water $4. Montgomery Wards (for those tires and battery I was sizzled (1) into $17. [Heating] oil $50. K Mart $5. Bank $50. Now count this up. (2) Remember my take home pay is $440. And I have allowed nothing for groceries, or for the expenses that one runs into without even trying, like having to go to a luncheon meeting. I have to rob Peter to pay Paul each month and this means more interest. It's ghastly. But under God I will one day come out. This is just to show you what my life has degenerated into. (3) Then, when you get a funeral or something - - -

...I am going to be on the state commission on aging program again this month. This is nice and it's flattering, but it doesn't bring any grist to the mill. I am featured to speak with Maurice Cohen who is from Washington D.C. on the national commission [on aging].

Vinnie, I love you! I'm crawling an inch for the general - I'll make it to the end of the mile though. Wish you were here for the [senior citizens] fair. I'll try to keep on writing - I get so depressed and then can't write...

(1) Dad would charge his auto repair bills to my mother. He could pretty much buy boats or cars or whatever he wanted, even though he was not working, because the creditors knew Mom would pay.

(2) $580.

(3) From life in a doctors home, with maids and a silver tea service?

June 1, 1967

How come you don't get my letters and cards?

...I have never waited for anything so much as I am waiting for August to arrive [when you come home from college].

...Tomorrow my senior citizens violin group goes on t.v. Naturally I am playing with them, and I also will be singing with the Scandinavian quintette. HA HA HA - We are singing "Hilse der hjemme for Mig." Greet home for me.

...I hope that we can manage to have a week at a resort where we can do nothing much but fish and fool around...

June 22/1967

...Background is something you make for yourself. If you want a thing, you work for it. It doesn't fall into your lap.

...Our enemy is the Devil. He tempts us through that which we love most, and he causes our sufferings through those we love. But the Lord is strong and mighty and he gives us joy through those we love. If there is one thing in which I can be happy, it is the fact that God has marched at my side and sustained me.

...I might send in for a computer date. I would if I had five or ten dollars.

...I feel that whatever has happened to me has been my own fault. I have broken the first commandment. I have put others before the Lord. If I had served my God as hard as I have served my own feelings, I am sure it would have been another story.

One thing of which I am aware of is this: I've had so much that no one can take away from me. Few people have been blessed with the joy of knowing God is. I love beauty. I appreciate the grass amd the flowers and the trees - animals and all the other things of life which so many take for granted. I rejoice in the fact that I have a handsome son. He who was once my little baby. And remember this - God has held me inviolate from the scum and filth in which I once sojourned. (1) So Vince, I will conclude that my life has been good and not wasted...

(1) Where? When?

29th June 1967

...Marriage is forever. I know Vince. My Dad made a second marriage, but his first wife was his love. He made a good husband to his second, but he was completely faithful to his [first]. (1)

...Vince, I am looking forward to seeing you so much...I need you to just come home and be with me for a week or two. I hope you understand...I came early to the office to write this to you. I am extremely proud of your progress. You will have to build a special case for your [forensics] trophies.

...Vinny, the Lord has graciously preserved you from much. Walk in His ways. Read Psalm 1. (2) The Book of Psalms has been for me a book of directions, comfort, admonition, and sustenance. Do not be misled. Outside of God's plan there is no happiness...

(1) Why bring this up if it were not true?

(2) "For the Lord knoweth the way of the righteous: but the way of the ungodly shall perish."

July 15/1967

...I was not surprised to learn that you had asked Karen to marry you. You are my son and I know you from A to Z. I know when you ask for advice it means, "This is what I intend to do and if you don't agree you are fighting me."

...I really do know how to spell Grandma, but "Gramma" is the pet sobriquet of my mother-in-law. It was bestowed upon her by her first grandchild, who happens to be my son.

I have a state conference on aging to plan. It will be here in LaCrosse October 31 and November 1. It is a great feather in the cap of LaCrosse. Mostly such events are [held] in Madison or Milwaukee. We feel very honored. I wish you could be here.

...I will hang on to the house as long as I can because I too, need a home. But now that you will be in Utah, I think maybe a smaller place will do me...where I can have a garden and where I can not see cars, trucks, Muscovites, and odd looking bipeds. I want just two rooms - one lined with books, the other lined with closets and drawer space. Oh, and of course, a kitchen.

...I've written to no one [from North Dakota]. One does not write of failure and unhappiness...

July 26/1967

...I went to church last Sunday. I walked most of the way there, but I managed to get a ride most of the way home. I came home and read a Psalm to calm myself down. "Out of the depths I have called to Thee - Be Thou mindful to the voice of my supplication."

What did I "supplicate" for? You'd be surprised. I asked, "Cool me, Oh Lord," and He did. It is not my pride that does not desire to be quizzed. It's just that I do feel it is impertinent to ask another personal questions, and I think it is impertinent of others to ask questions of me. What business is it of others where my husband is, and if I am in good relations with him. They haven't the slightest intention of doing anything about anything. All they want is a juicy tid bit. Well, I have news for them - and all other curious people - It's not the slightest bit of use quizzing me: I'm quiz proof.

You remember in the Fargo Branch, G. He was the only one out of all the branch who was curiosity filled...I learned from G. to become quite immune to good manners when talking to such people. Last Sunday one of the women said, "Do you know where your husband is now Sister O'Neil? I heard that he doesn't live with you." I answered sweetly, "Oh yes, I have his address right here in my purse, shall I give it to you?" She blinked her eyes and just left off. Come to think of it, if the weather hadn't been so warm, I might have enjoyed teaching a few more of them some manners.

You know Vince, I never have tolerated bad manners. The fact that these are fellow church members doesn't make it any easier. It's not necessary, and it's plain bad form. I cannot remember Robert Murphy (1) ever asking an indecent question - though I am sure I told him a great deal more than I ever told anyone else.

...I wonder if you will be interested in helping me with a proposal which I am working on. I propose to get young people participating more. All recreation does nothing to cure delinquency. I propose to have all kids taking part in: shows; work programs; hootenanies; service projects of their own choosing; swimming matches for all ages; pizza parties with the kids making their own pizzas. In other words, I want the kids to have some normal deeds to do and to have a normal place to do their showing off. Nowadays out here, the kids are "objects." Can you outline such a proposal?

...Oh, Vince, plan to bring [your fiancee] at Christmas. Please, no "joyful surprises" [when you come back for a visit] in September. I want you to help me get things fixed up a bit before she comes. Now please, Vinny - be good to me - no joyful surprises, and I do ask you this. It's not that I don't want to meet her, but it is not even possible to feed her, and it's poor advertisement to have her come to the house until we can really have it fixed up nice for her...

(1) Her favorite LDS missionary when she joined that church. I stayed with his parents in Utah after my arrest for car theft.

Jan 9 1968

Just trying to recover from a bad dose of Asian Flu. Gosh - the Asiatics can have it. I don't even want to think of it again - it's terrible!

I am sorry you let Jan's refusal [of your marriage proposal] go to your head. When one is adult, one knows that the end is not to be loved, but to love. That's what growing up is about. So she said, "No!" Does that mean tantrums? If so, are you not saying, "You are right, I'm not really grown up."

No child or young person has ever been more loved than you, so don't say, "I need love."

...You must learn to be gentle. A big man can afford to be gentle - must be gentle, or he will be an unhappy mound of clay. You must learn to consider that others have feelings. Remember to speak a kind word when someone has a death in the family or has a set back. This gentleness will make your strength like a giants.

Serve God.

Cease impossible dreaming. Ambition is filled by practice, not by wishing. Start my dear son by being - not wishing.

I love you so very much Vince, and long to see you.

...Maybe you should take a trip to Hollywood and be an actor. Maybe you should do a lot of things, but maybe you should also come back and just think about going into a law office.

One thing is certain, I hope you will return this summer. I need you. I've never asked for anything from you Vince -

I'd like just one summer to be able to be a person not just a workhorse. I'd like my son to be an adult. For just this summer I'd like to have someone to lean on.

I'm so tired of battling. I don't want anything much - just a few rides in the car and maybe one weekend vacation together.

...We have been given an old fire station as a center. It's got a worn out furnace, etc.. Come home and put on some shows to get it going-

I send my heart with this, and oh Vinny, never say again you need someone to love you.

Your loving mother

The main theme of all these letters is the immense love a mother has for her son. Retyping some of them has been emotionally quite difficult. Each time I read them, I see another message I missed previously. It is not easy to look at them and reflect on how selfish I have been.

Now that she is gone, I miss her SO much. For several months after her death, I caught myself reaching for the phone to call her. Even now, I sometimes try to talk to her in my mind and reflect on how she might respond to certain situations. While she was alive, I pretty much ignored her advice - now I apply her wisdom to almost every decision.

She touched so many lives and made them better. Regardless of what went "before," she helped scores of people - even me.